Friday Night Panic

For a few years Friday Nights were the worst night of the week for me. I would get in big fights with my partner at the time, my anxiety would be at its most aggressive, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep the next day.

I didn’t realize it was a pattern for a very long time. After that relationship ended, I was re examining my past actions through the lens of GAD. I was trying to see where it had come up and why. I pinpointed Fridays as a repeated point of anxiety.

For most people, Friday is fun. You are at the end of the work week and ready to relax/go nuts and enjoy some time off.

Somewhere along the line, I associated friday with other people. If I wasn’t with others, I thought something was wrong and I was lacking. I don’t know when it started, but I put pressure on myself to make a point of going out even if I didn’t feel like it. I also put pressure on my partner to spend the night with me, even if they felt going out for drinks  – which wasn’t a big deal. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was freaking out about something that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. In my head, it had to be for a reason. I didn’t know it could simply have been that I was experiencing anxiety.

There is nothing I can do about changing the past, so I looked to the present to see if this problem was still happening. At first the problem wasn’t there, I was relieved. Fridays meant no fighting because I was by myself. I could do whatever I wanted.

Then I started seeing someone new, and Fridays quickly became an issue again. But this time – I was taking ownership. I knew that GAD was coming in to play. I didn’t know what the source was, but I had to work on it. I wasn’t going to repeat relationship mistakes and get angry with my new partner for the same reasons. I realized even if I was experiencing anxiety – it came across as jealousy and being possessive. It was flat out wrong.

So – I made myself go home and calm the fuck down on Fridays. I spent time by myself and I started to pinpoint areas of discomfort.

Problem 1 - Not having a consistent home. 

 I had moved a bunch of times in the last couple of years, 4 times in the past few months. I never felt truly at home in my apartment. Even though it was mine, I had never had my own lease before or rented my own place. These were new concepts to me and while thrilling they were also unsettling. I needed to make my home a real home. I had been in flight mode for the last few months – ready to pack up and leave at a moments notice. It hadn’t sunk in that it was okay to settle in.

Solution

I settled the fuck in. I put up pictures, I reorganized shelves, I spent time trying on clothes I forgot I owned and prancing around the apartment. I did what I needed to do to feel more comfortable in this new place. I was happy to have it but I was stopping myself from appreciating it. I undid whatever mental block was happening and found ways to enjoy my new space.

Problem 2 – Reliving Past Fights

I still remembered fights. I still remembered old arguments that had long since silenced. No one was arguing out loud anymore but the effects of those fights were still riddling my head with bad thoughts. The worst part was, I realized that I was equally responsible for many of those arguments. I wasn’t always the one who had been done wrong – a lot of it was also me making arguments out of things that it wasn’t fair to be upset about.  

Solution 

 I am still working on this one. Forgiving myself. I didn’t know better at the time, I know better now, and the only actions I can effect are the ones I make now. I try very hard to make decisions based on a clear head and not to listen to my anxiety. I spend a lot of time really thinking something through - trying to put a new spin on it and seeing if maybe it really is no big deal. So far, this has helped me. I have slipped up a few times for sure – but I am learning. A lot of change has come from dealing with my anger by myself, dealing with my anxiety on my own, learning to recognize that I am working through it by myself. I use the tools I have been armed with in my counselling sessions and I try this new approach – I say to myself – “work on it by yourself – see if you can diminish it and squash it out by yourself - if you really can’t then it may be a bigger problem – only take it to someone else if you can’t figure it out on your own”

Most of the time the problem never reaches somebody else. Sometimes it can, usually because it needs to. I’ve managed to weed out 80% of those arguments that would have otherwise started. I am slowly getting better at eliminating them.

Problem 3 – I wasn’t spending quality time alone.

Solution 

I thought about the things I loved to do and one of them was drawing. I looked through the old sketchbooks that I would fill up in a matter of no time and realized I had completely dropped this hobby I really enjoyed. Each of these books was a combination of drawings, writing, and items of interest. I made an attempt to start a few, and after a couple bad starts and stops. I realized that these truly reflect my frame of mind. When I was having a very rough time the books were erratic and often have a lot of blank pages because I would drop one right away and start a fresh one. I wasn’t proud of these books like I used to be. I would go through them and rip out pages. I think this was all part of the process. I had to admit to things I didn’t want to admit to then purge them. It wasn’t easy, and I hated that I had completely lost this creative flow I used to have.  

I also realized that when I spent productive time alone it would be with these books. I would fill them with ideas and goals and tokens of good memories. For a huge chunk of time there was no book because I was very unhappy. Now I had to get back to creating one. 

I spent a lot of time drawing and picking up old interests and it resulted in a very nice sketchbook. I was very proud of it and I feel more myself now than I have in a very long time. The more time passes, the better I feel. I have this hobby back and it feels right.

I’m learning not to associate certain days and times with certain things. I try to tell myself the only thing that matters is the present, that I make the most of this moment. I am also working on forgiving myself the past. I try to reiterate to myself that I can think about the future but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. And that most of all – I don’t know what to expect. I have been wrong about my negative thoughts so far.

I just have to continue to have faith in my own ability to deal with these matters. And I think I need to keep telling myself it will get better – it only has been.

Batcycle!

Todays weird.

So I woke up this morning and had one of the worst panic attacks. Actually, I call them all the worst because they all suck balls and feel terrible. I have this freak out and then I calm myself down and felt fucking awesome when it was over.

Then I got on the subway train and was listening to music thinking about how upset I am all the time. And how it’s futile to go over this shit and how all my hard work is going to nothing because there is no change.

Then I got off the subway and I was listening to a song and heard this really weird noise. It was like an angry lion was trying to throw up and roar super loud at the same time. I heard it over my headphones. I look up and there’s three fucking guys in the subway all playing the fucking accordion and sounding so fucking terrible –  everyone was so business going about their morning going by them acting like the three fucking guys playing three fucking accordians terribly was totally the norm. And then I realized something. This was fucking hilarious. And if I had been caught up in my own thoughts I would have completely missed it.

Then I realized something else. I spend majority of my time in my own head and miss a lot of stuff. So I’m going to stop doing that.

I met one of my friends the other day and she gave me a tarot card lesson. Then that night I had a dream that was like an action adventure flick. In the dream, this totally hopeless situation was occurring and this kid that I was trying to protect was getting kidnapped. And I was off in the distance and all I had to try to catch up to the kidnappers was a motorcycle. I saw the motorcycle, and I distinctly remember in my dream having a moment of “I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle” but then in the dream I said fuck it and hopped on – I expected it to crash but it didn’t and I rode the motorcycle on this crazy rooftop/stair railing chase – apparently the motorcycle could fly too – maybe it was batmans motorcycle? the batcycle! – anyways it was pretty much the best thing I ever dreamt and it was such a wild adventure. I totally caught up to the bad guys, beat them into confessing where the kid was, and saved his life. 

I was totally bad ass in the dream. I was doing something super cool. I wasn’t afraid. It was exhilarating.  

I have started drawing again big time, I am actually getting my skill back and it was way faster than I thought it would be. I still don’t know how to shade properly but I never did so whatever.

Basically, I am back to achieving things. I am actually in a good mood. For the first time. In a fucking year. I mean I’ve been in good moods – but usually they have some underlying crap and I’m never actually in that good mood. It’s like a good mood despite being seriously upset deep down. A good upset mood. I think that over the last little while something is changing.

Especially because this morning I came to work and someone who is very important to me told me they were worried about me. That I was drinking too much. I thought about this differently than usual. Normally I would become very angry with myself or freak out or whatever dramatic bullshit. But today I thought, there is some merit to this. She is right, I have been drinking a lot. despite all the things I have been improving, drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. So – my solution is not to drink so much.

It was that fucking easy. I didn’t flip out, I didn’t cry and I didn’t think everybody hates me. Okay I thought that last one but only briefly.

I didn’t go extreme and think – I’m a fucking alcoholic – But I also didn’t ignore it and say hey nothings wrong what the fuck. I know why I like to drink, it’s because I don’t feel any of the effects of my anxiety – a few drinks in I don’t feel it and I don’t have to work to not feel it. I don’t have to feel awkward, I just feel like everything is okay. I rarely feel like everything is okay.

It’s not a solution though. Because I end up drinking too much and being a bitch. Also, the anxiety usually surfaces at some point, so I end up having anxiety and being drunk. Not a good combination really.

So. it’s an issue. I will cut back. It won’t be easy but I will take it one step at a time - Like I have with any other problem I have dealt with. I think I am gaining more confidence in my ability to handle myself.

And I feel really really good about that.

Something is changing for sure. Things are improving. I think all this work I have been doing is paying off. But I also don’t want to continue to get caught up in my head. It’s time to breathe – a lot – take some time and start allowing myself to enjoy things. I want to enjoy being a young woman, I want to enjoy having friendships, I want to enjoy my relationship, I want to enjoy and appreciate all these things. I think I am ready. I feel really good right now. And I want to have more good dreams because that fucking batcycle was so fucking cool.

So yes todays weird – because I feel good. And while that statement is kind of sad, at least today I can enjoy the weirdness. And maybe one day – if I’m lucky - a weird day like today will be the norm.

Minimizing the Damage

This is a link to a website that describes anxiety really well. Today I am reading these lines specifically:

“Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. You go about your activities filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even when there is little or nothing to provoke them.”

Last night I wanted to call in sick to work. I did not want to leave the house or deal with anything. I thought I would have a bad time and be a fucking mess. I was assuming what would happen.

I had gotten into a  fight the previous night and I was still shaken. My mind was/is spinning with the worse possibilities. I thought/think I am repeating old mistakes – this is the worst possibility for me. I am trying to work through it and not let the anxiety that is going into overload right now take control of my actions and what I do or what I think about.

I am trying to minimize the damage. I feel anxiety and I think I know how long I will feel it for and how severe it will be.

So today I got up and thought “Fuck today is going to be miserable.” I made plans with a friend and I thought, “I’m going to get there and I will be awkward and weird.” Those are my automatic thoughts. I hate them. They make me feel like a shitty storm cloud of depression. I didn’t know this until today – but this is called “Self Talk.” Here’s a link that explains it on a blog by a girl – I think her name is Aimee. The blog is called: http://anxiousnomore.blogspot.com/.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne lists a quick explanation of what Self Talk is and how it works:

• “It is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (“Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)”

I am trying to rework my thought patterns, and one thing is to change this self talk. I implemented my new routine where I “minimize the damage.” I said to myself, in my head, “Dude, you only don’t feel good right now. Once you get to work and start talking to people you will feel better. Also, you will most likely have an awesome time with your new friend. You don’t know what will happen yet. I don’t have to have a bad day, I can have a bad ten minutes. It can be a bad hour. But it doesn’t have to be a bad day.”

 

Edmund J. Bourne further says, “Cultivating the habit of countering [negative self talk] is one of the most significant steps you can take in dealing with all kinds of anxiety as well as panic attacks.”

Another thing I tend to do is focus on the bad part/negative thing. If I have a fight and then things are okay, I will still have very strong feelings from the fight and not be able to let those go – mainly because there are  a lot of issues that I have not let go from my past. I tack the series of “thoughts, memories and associations” from the old on to the new. The new fight is with a totally different person and in a different place – but it’s a new fight on steroids because I am colouring it with an old situation.

When this happens I am at a loss of what to do. It is one of the biggest challenges I am facing right now – not comparing everything that happens now with everything that happened before.

I try to reassure myself. One thing I have decided not to do anymore is look to others for reassurance. I really want to see these processes through on my own, but in a healthy way. I have started pulling up things and reading about anxiety. If I read about it, it reasserts it in my head that the bad feeling is being exaggerated by GAD. This helps me remind myself that I am not in control of the bad feeling.

I also do not want to stay in a bad situation because I am reliant on someone else. I think my greatest fear is that I will not be able to deal with my anxiety on my own. I then remind myself that I am dealing with it on my own every minute of everyday. I tell myself that I am not repeating the past because I choose to be with who I am with. I have stayed in a relationship before because I was too afraid to be on my own, and I simply can’t do it again. I have taken the measures to become independent and not have to stay because there is not alternative, it is my choice this time. I try to reinforce this in my head when I feel things are turning a bad way. Even when things are fine, I have to dissolve the GAD by calming it down with these reminders.

I also try to think about some things that are positive. I pull the focus away from the nagging/worrying thoughts – thoughts associated with things I can’t control - and think about things I am looking forward to – things I have worked on on my own and for myself.

And how cool is this – Aimee keeps what she calls a scripture journal! I do this as well. I tape things in and write whatever and draw pictures. It is a very rewarding thing – like a mini time capsule from the days it took to fill it up. I thought it was double cool when I met my friends grandson – he is only 7 and he keeps one too. And he has hover Cars in it. I rightly guessed that the hover cars were kept airborne with Sonic waves.  

 

The Rage Factor – Part Two – PMS

One of the most difficult times to control GAD symptoms is when your hormones are surging during PMS week. PMS is hard enough as it is, with all the physical symptoms that can make women uncomfortable – PMS is notorious for causing bad mood swings and crankiness. This combined with the symptoms of anxiety can create a terrible cauldron of pain for myself and others during PMS week.

On the one hand, there are tonnes of ways to prevent these symptoms from getting the best of you. Recognizing an anxiety attack, taking Vitamins to account for any deficiencies aggravating symptoms, eating healthy and exercising all work to help regulate GAD symptoms and build up a stronger defense against attacks. These work for PMS too!

On the other, there are times that I am susceptible to attacks and symptoms big time and it is harder to control. Examples of these are if I am tired, have too much caffeine and especially if it is PMS week. ESPECIALLY PMS WEEK.

My anxiety symptoms were very aggressive during PMS week and a lot more difficult to control. My worst attacks had begun to happen during this time of the month. My counsellor said to stay positive when I first noticed the problem. She placed the emphasis on not expecting it to be a bad week – that this month could be different – that I was learning to handle it. She was right, it definitely came down from the level it was and started to calm down.

A few days ago a simple argument about a change jar spiraled out of control. A few days later my period started and I figured out why this fight had escalated on my part.  But I also realized a few other things:

When I’m happy - super happy – I can let my guard down. If it is a time when GAD is more aggressive a fight can come on in a snap. I went from joking around and being very excited to starting an argument – it took a second for the change to happen. I was in full on argument mode and it took the other person saying something for me to realize how nasty I was being. This is a new development – I didn’t realize how QUICKLY an attack or mood change can happen. NO time to check for symptoms, no time to stop it.

This was my first slip up in a few weeks and it hit me hard, but I remembered what I told myself – I will make mistakes and mess up once in a while. The remedy is to take the steps to own it, apologize then move forward. I am trying to break the habit of guilting myself because there is no point of beating myself up every time there is an argument that is happening for the wrong reasons.

As fast as this mood change/GAD Freakout came on, I was able to calm down pretty quickly. The aftermath is happening at a much quicker pace. I rehashed what happened in my head and asked myself – DID I overreact? I tell myself it’s okay if I did because I’ll make mistakes. If I feel confused or any upsetness is still lingering I check for GAD symptoms, if they are there I know what happened and I try to free myself from feeling bad about it.

There is improvement. The more I am reading and observing, the more I can tell that there is a HUGE change from how I dealt with these same negative emotions this time last year. I can recognize anxiety when it happens and I am also learning about the nature of it. It can happen very quickly and aggressively. Sometimes the attacks catch me off guard.  This, however, is a big difference from before. The majority of the GAD symptoms that slip through and affect how I interact with others are the ones that come on out of nowhere. Only the really quick ones are slipping through the cracks, as long as I keep working on this I will be able to seal those cracks up.

Taking ownership is a big part of it, but not punishing myself for it is just as important. The more gently I treat myself the better I can do damage control after an attack and the better I can allow myself to feel for the improvements that are happening.

Sometimes after an attack there is some lingering weirdness. When this happens, I realize I need to write it out.

My old way of dealing with lingering weirdness was to talk to someone. Not a professional, but a friend or family member or boyfriend. Usually it would be with the person I had the conflict with in the first place. Something I’ve realized is that this doesn’t do anything. It only brings up the argument again, the other person can’t reassure me because they aren’t feeling the GAD symptoms – they can’t fix the feeling for me no matter how sweet they are. On top of this, it can easily spiral out of control a second time because the way I am portraying myself is as if I am still upset. When I take ownership of my over reaction it has to be on two levels to work - taking ownership by apologizing for my treatment of the other person involved – and taking ownership of making myself feel better. I have found it does not work to rely on others for this reassurance, I have to be strong enough to make myself feel better.

Writing is the therapy that best helps me. The nature of writing is also good because it’s a solo activity, it’s a time out from what happened, and it gives you the time to decompress the situation. In this case, I grabbed my book and wrote what happened, wrote the ugly thoughts I was having – I’ll never get better/I’ll always be this way/Why can’t I assert more self control? These are the thoughts that happen automatically – these ones are the thoughts that surface because I have conditioned my brain to think this way over a lifetime of having GAD.

To balance this scale –  I write an equal amount of improvement I am making to counter the bad thoughts. This is the new process. I am going to have ugly/negative thoughts because that’s the habit that has formed - the point is to purge them and reset that bad thinking process. I am truly trying to emphasize to myself that I am getting better/I am gaining more control/I am feeling better. I try to tell myself – look at how this has changed – look at how that has changed. It is a hard and long process. Each time I tell myself these things they become easier to accept.

It has just been a constant process of countering bad stuff with good stuff and dealing with the symptoms on my own. It feels like an ordeal now, and when I read this post I see that it really is a long and exasperating process. I am trying to stay strong - mainly because I don’t like the alternative. I don’t want to ruin relationships and I don’t want to be a shitty person to be with. I’ve had a taste of how amazing things can be if I work on my problem – I’ve been to the point where I feel no GAD symptoms without actively trying to prevent them and it is pure bliss. If I can get to that point with my efforts now – I know it will only get better if I continue them.

-tigerslut

Day 4 of 21

Internet Boyfriends

Now look at this, me being a very bad girl and breaking my habit the third day in!

Bad tigerslut!

To make up for this, I will write about INTERNET BOYFRIENDS.

Really? Internet Boyfriends? YES INTERNET BOYFRIENDS

During the beginning of University I led a somewhat lonely existence. I would commute to school – which would take hours – go to my classes – more hours – sleep in the library on my three hour class breaks – take another class –  then come home.

Time with my friends was usually Friday or Saturday night. It would be difficult to meet any other day during the week. I spent majority of my evening – hours again – working on assignments for the next day. Any other spare time during the week was spent at work.

Somewhere during this time the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin” came out. It was a man who had made it to 40 without having sex. Once it gets out at work, his co workers – who become his friends – help him find the one. 

Why the big delay? It just didn’t happen. Due to awkwardness and mishaps – circumstances prevented the main character from swiping his Vcard. I loved the movie.

The movie was an entertaining comedy but it hit a little too close to home. Everyone I knew had already had sex. I was 20, (which I didn’t think was that old!) but it surprised anyone that found out that I hadn’t. The response usually was, “Really?!!? Oh My God!!” I did not think that it was THAT strange. I wasn’t scouring the streets, looking for a warm body to play toesies with and continuously striking out. I just hadn’t clicked with anyone yet. Nobody made me feel the overwhelming urge to HAVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE SEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. And I am certain a little bit of anxiety played a part as well.  

There wasn’t a lot of time to date. If I did meet someone, it would end rather quickly. It was a repeating cycle of loneliness. I would be with someone - we would start to become close – a feeling of unpreparedness would set in and I would delay having sex. I would believe I was ready then want to stop and feel like I wasn’t. The word tease was thrown around like a frisbee on a hot summer day. I didn’t understand what was happening and soon became fed up and frustrated. I decided to forget trying to date and focused on school.

This meant A LOT of isolation. I was hanging out at home, exploring the internet. I had enough time to write and research an animal book, as well as get a better understanding of all the musical talent that was out there in the world. Most people discover music as they grow up, I had a small interest in it that EXPLODED during the first couple years of University. The main thing I did was listen to as many different artists as possible and type type type on my computer.

In momentum with this, time was a wasting. I wasn’t gathering any kind of understanding of relationships by hanging out at home. I was not meeting new people. I was fueling my naivety when it came to creating a relationship. I didn’t realize any of this because I was only doing what felt safer.

Luckily, I made a friend on the internet. Let’s call him Dan.

Dan was the same age as myself and lived in a small town that was about four hours away. He spent his time working at Home Hardware and drinking. Those were the only two things he did. Dan was going through a rough patch. He had been in school and then dropped out. As a result, he also spent a lot of time hanging out at home on his computer type type typing away.

As I listened to music/did homework/looked at animal pictures, Dan would make snacks/probably play video games/drink and we would converse through typing to each other on MSN. It began with short conversations everyday, that soon turned into 3 hour chats late into the night. We would make fun of the fact we spent so much time typing to each other when we hadn’t met.

The internet has a different set of rules. You can ask someone you meet online whatever you want with little to no risk. It began slowly, but I started to talk to Dan about some issues I was having. I discussed the shortness of relationships and Dan was brutally honest but considerate is his explanation of why the people I would date would react the way they did. He told me:  

“You tell them you’re a virgin and they get that - But they’re also into it because they see it as a challenge - They’ll start dating you -hoping you will want to/they can seduce you into having sex -Because you’re older, odds are they have had sex before – they expect it sooner than you do and it becomes more difficult for them to wait - Because they are frustrated they are calling you a tease - Because you don’t eventually fuck them - you have to dump them when they start behaving in a way you can’t handle. It’s nobodys fault. Even if you tell them your situation from the get go, it won’t mean they don’t want it.”

This saved me a lot of grief. It seems like a fairly straight forward explanation but when you have ZERO understanding of how the other people will feel, sometimes you need someone to tell you in the plainest way possible. Dan became my guide. He helped explain why people behaved the way they did. He honestly answered a tonne of sex questions, which I could ask him without shame or scaredy cat ness because I hadn’t met him. I started to trust him. Conversations would never enter the creepy zone, he would never say anything inappropriate that would make me uncomfortable. He was a good friend, who was a guy, who I had never met. He could ask me anything, I could ask him anything, it was an excellent relationship. I had the Boy-relationship-understanding-friend without the Boy-wanting-to-engage-in-penis-jabbingness-friend. 

Dan was the ‘safety net’ I needed at the time. We were able to honestly talk about a lot of things – especially sex – and I was able to ask a lot of questions I did not want to ask my girlfriends or my MaMa. This helped prepare me for a lifetime of difficult situations. Many of my friends had to learn the same things different ways and sometimes it was a lot more difficult for them.

This was a fairly well working set up until the one year mark. At this point, we were scheduling our conversations. We would set time aside specifically to talk/we knew each others schedules. Topics like people we were dating/seeing became off limits. We would flirt. We would not so jokinglyjoke about meeting.

A few months later, we were planning to meet. We both wanted to do it safely in case one of us was not who we thought. I would bring a friend, we would meet in the closest city and we would pick a public place. We would see what would happen and we were both very excited.

When I finally did tell one friend about this, she teased me that I had an “Internet Boyfriend.” Then she grew very very concerned when I said I wanted to meet him. She kept pushing the fact that I did not know for sure that Dan was actually Dan.

A couple months before Dan and I were planning to meet I met my first long term partner. I told Dan, he was upset, and it felt like breaking up with someone. Which was double strange because it was someone I had never met in person. We did not end up meeting and stopped out internet talkfests shortly after.

So – is an internet relationship legit?

 

I have no idea. I don’t think  it’s as valuable as the real thing. A lot of people meet via something on the net and end up being an awesome match when they take it to the next level and meet in person. On the other hand, a lot of people meet on the net and it turns in to a very dangerous situation.

 

I wouldn’t recommend meeting someone from online in person unless you do it safely and I definitely would not suggest a young person EVER take this chance. I think a part of me felt I would never go through with actually meeting Dan because of all the horror stories I had heard. I still don’t know what would have happened, would he have been who he said or some creeper? I don’t know! But I always like to believe he would have been exactly the same Dan the brat I imagined he was.

 

-tigerslut

 

Day 3 of 21

Figuring It Out

What was it like before I knew I had a disorder?

For majority of my life I did not know I had GAD. I went about my life, made my decisions, and lived day to day believing everything I felt was how the average person felt/feels.

After a major life change, I had moved back to Toronto. For the first while things were fine, I was having lots of fun. I had a new look – I was losing a lot of weight I had gained – I was going out with my friends a lot more than I used to and spending time revisiting my favorite things – listening to music, writing, drawing. I was also very – VERY – excited to start dating. I felt like a bratty girl who had been locked up for a long time that was finally unleashed on the world. Look out everybody – run for cover – she’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

All the excitement was new and wonderful, but there was something underlying it. I was having really REALLY bizarre thoughts about my past life. For some reason, I had it in my head that I was pregnant.

S0 let me explain. Logically there was no way I was pregnant. I had a yearly exam shortly before the last relationship ending. A few months had gone by and I had regular periods. I hadn’t had sex for a long time, it just was not possible. But no matter what I told myself I had this all gripping fear that I was pregnant.

I was coming up with solutions to this problem I believed I had. I was terrified of any connection to the past, I was terrified of any change to the new life I was currently enjoying, I was terrified that I couldn’t stop obsessing and was wondering if I was actually just losing it, if I hadn’t recovered from my last relationship ending. I did not know what was happening and I was absolutely scared.

I had bought home pregnancy tests, all were negative. I had a test done at the local Clinic, negative. With every test I thought this feeling of dread would lift but nothing worked. Nothing was reassuring me, I still felt like something was happening that I had no control over.

I called the clinic again, and explained that I was just not able to let it go. I needed a blood test to confirm I was not pregnant. I explained the past relationship ending. I was very lucky that the nurse I spoke to was compassionate and told me yes, they would make an exception and give me a blood test if it meant I was reassured. I came in, had the test done, and waited for the results to show up. I was CERTAIN it would come back positive. I was CERTAIN I would have to make a very difficult and horrible decision. Even if it came back negative I was CERTAIN the lab had mixed up my sample with someone elses.

All of these thoughts were actual thoughts that were constantly cycling through my head. It went something like this

You’re pregnant – NO I’m not, I can’t be I had my period – It doesn’t matter your pregnant Everything is going to change, you will have to call him and talk to him and explain to him because there’s nobody else you would be pregnant from – I’m not pregnant it’s been months there’s no chance I can be, I’ve had all the tests done – what if the tests were wrong? You’re pregnant, what are you going to do? you have to deal with it don’t tell anyone they wont believe you you’re pregnant

I was arguing with myself. My logical side was saying, it just can’t be and here are the reasons why – but something was fighting this reasoning and scaring me big time. This was happening all day, from the moment I woke up until I tried to go back to sleep at night. This is how scared I was all the time. I would function, I had a job and I would go to work, I would have regular conversations with people – I would laugh make jokes – and the entire time I believed that I was pregnant and I was completely fucked and would have to make some really difficult decisions very soon – I was struggling with this and I just did not talk about it.

I called the clinic again and they told me that my blood test was negative. I felt slightly relived and I tried to ignore the what if thoughts that were now bubbling up – what if they mixed up the tests – what if they are lying and did not process the test – what if they are just humoring me – this was cut off when I realized the nurse was still talking on the phone. She said

“I understand you are dealing with something difficult, maybe you can use one of our other resources here. We offer counseling and I think it could benefit you.”

I was polite and said thank you but dismissed the idea right away. I had been to counseling before, it had not helped at all. I didn’t see the point in trying to see a counselor now that I knew for the most part that the crisis had been averted.

It took two more obsessive attacks like this happening over the next couple of months for me to realize that I needed help. I had anxiety my entire life, but for whatever reason now – at this new stage and new beginning – it was not going to go ignored. I made my first counseling appointment because I was willing to try anything at this point.

It was grueling. I cried in almost every appointment. I talked about parts of my life I never wanted to, and usually needed the rest of the day to recover from the emotional exhaustion of an appointment. The counselor I started with was amazing and saw me through much of the process. She saw something was up and called in a psychiatrist who diagnosed me based on two months of meetings. I started researching GAD and found that my symptoms matched up EXACTLY with what was described. I was, in a way, relieved, because at least this meant I could do something about it, I knew what to look for and I knew what I was dealing with. I wasn’t actually losing my mind, I was suffering from a disorder that had become very severe in the face of all these changes in my life.

A major change I made, and I think this is because of the counselor that was helping me worked so well, was that I was completely open. I discussed the extent to which I worried about things, I exposed the way I was thinking about things and my thought process, I laid it all out on the table. This was scary because I was fully exposing my inner most ideas/perceptions/thoughts – it made me VERY VULNERABLE. It also made the result I needed, I received a proper diagnosis because I was honest. It was very difficult and it only worked because I was in trustworthy hands.

The best part was realizing I DID NOT have to feel this way. It has taken/is taking a lot of reconstruction on a daily basis to let this idea sink in, but I am working on it.

When I reflect back on how things were before I was diagnosed and started reading about my disorder, I remember how purely panicked I would become. I remember how scared I was. I remember how embarrassed I was that I was so emotional on an ongoing basis and seemed to have no control over it. One comfort that exists now is that I know what is happening. I can take ownership of it and I have some power over it.

I was very lucky in my situation that I could find someone who helped me right off the bat. If you are also looking, One clinic I recommend if you are living in Toronto in the Yonge and Eglinton Area is the Anne Johnston Health Station. My experience has only been with sex positive counselors who are there to really help from an unbiased place. If that’s not where you live, they can probably recommend someone if you give them a call. They can also provide you with other forms of therapy – group therapy is an example – if you don’t want a one on one.

-tigerslut

Day 3 of 21

Doing some Defeating

Posting to this blog is helping. A LOT.

Yesterday throughout the day I was having a BAD anxiety attack. It was building up all day and I was holding it at bay by writing, focusing on my work, and reassuring myself it would be over soon. By about hour 6, I realized my anxiety was just acting up this particular day.

One of the ways I try to explain how anxiety feels to people is by comparing how a ‘normal’ person would feel doing an activity and how I may feel doing the same one. For example, let’s say you go home and take a sweet bubble bath. You have warm water filling up the tub and bubbles are popping up all over the place to hang out with you. Many people would find a bubble bath to be very relaxing. I will feel better, but never completely relaxed. The nature of my anxiety is that it is always always there/always present/always lurking.

It helps me to keep a picture of a thermometer in my head of where my anxiety level is at any given time. During a bubble bath it is probably at its lowest BUT IT IS STILL THERE. I can still kind of feel it. There are specific times I never have anxiety – but those times are rare. Even a bubble bath is not one of them. However, I have grown accustomed to feeling anxiety at some level - whether it be low or super intense –  that the level I feel during a bubble bath ain’t no thang.

Yesterday was a challenging day. My anxiety thermometer was bobbing up and down up and down up and down then finally way way up. 

How Do I know it’s Anxiety?

This is one of the most difficult things to learn. I realized that the intense ‘afraidness’ I was feeling majority of the time was not normal. This fear was guiding my thought process and in turn fueling negative emotions and taking them to a hyper level of feeling. I was a scatterball mess. I would overreact to situations and not realize I was blowing things out of proportion. My brain was always at odds with how I felt, constantly questioning: IF nothing is wrong then WHY do I feel this way?

My counsellor taught me something that has been an immense help. She explained that I can PHYSICALLY feel my anxiety. My body will do certain things and they will be the same things each time if there is an anxiety act up.

What are they?

1 – My heart speeds up. It beats really fast. If I am lying down and doing nothing my heart can still be thumping away like crazy. My favourite thing to do is run because it takes that fast heartbeat and really uses it. I always feel better after a run because I can really tell the difference as my heart slows down.

2 – A feeling of dread  or of sinking in my chest. This feeling has got to be the scariest part. It’s the DANGER DANGER signal that my body is shooting out to every part of me. My body is physically reacting to the anxiety by making me feel like SOMETHING IS WRONG right in my chest. This one is the hardest to shake. When it’s gone I always feel relieved because I know that whatever intense anxiety was occurring has fully stopped.

3 – Breathing – I did not realize this one was happening until I really started to pay attention. I have to take deeper and faster breaths because I feel I’m not getting enough oxygen in my body. I feel light headed, I feel like the air isn’t absorbing. I am currently trying to mediate this with yoga, but it is a slow slow process. A tip I was given by my counsellor was to just suck in a deep breath, count to two then slowly release that breath. Repeating this tends to help. And it’s something you can do without having to remove yourself from any given situation.

The thing that takes a lot – and I mean the most effort – is reprogramming myself to realize that the anxiety I am feeling is baseless. It is not caused by anything. It is just happening. As people we constantly look for meaning, it is in our nature. The hardest thing to tell myself - to really believe and put faith in – is that the anxiety that feels so strongly in my chest – that remains so insistently throughout my life – is just a process my body is more vulnerable to. It is just something that is happening, that I am feeling, that has no cause.

This means that I cannot trust my body OR my mind when it is having an anxiety attack. I have learned/am learning to dismiss whatever I feel or think or expect during an anxiety attack. I always do a mental check if I feel something wrong – Am I having any of the physical anxiety symptoms? If I am then whatever is happening at the time, whatever the anxiety is making me focus on – gets dismissed as nothing. It’s nothing because I am imagining it to be more than it is because my body is fueling that reaction in my head.

Pretty weird right? Imagine not being able to trust how you feel OR how you think. It is/was one of the most difficult things to learn when you have this disorder. And I think over time I will learn how to sort what I am actually feeling and what anxiety is making me feel. I’m not there yet, so I have to make it very cut and dry as I learn more about how this disorder works in me.

What do you do when you have an anxiety attack?

There are a bunch of coping mechanisms that we create to use when we do not feel good. I took this idea and learned to apply it to my Anxiety. If I wanted to function as a fairly normal person throughout my day and I wanted to enjoy the good things in my life, I had to take treating this disorder into my own hands. There were a few different tools I have learned about and picked up on to help me deal with the disorder on a daily basis.

Yesterdays anxiety attack had built up for most of the day. I was focusing on something and obsessing about it. I knew I would do this and had written an email to myself in an effort to ward it off. I wrote that the anxiety could be there and could be really bad and I would deal with it if it did become too intense.

It reached a point where I could no longer distract myself or use the coping mechanisms I usually do – refocusing on what I am doing, breathing, drinking a glass of water. None of my usual ways to break out were working and the anxiety was getting worse. I had been researching a little bit about it during the day and realized that I was still fighting the attack. I wasn’t letting myself just feel it so I could get past it. I decided to just let go and see what would happen.

I ended up doing something a little bit stupid, I just started crying. For about 2 minutes. I just sat there and cried, told myself I wasn’t upset about anything in particular, I just didn’t feel good and reassured myself it would pass.

I came down from the crying and the attack started to calm down to the point where I could at least think. I felt myself starting to become angry about the situation I was obsessing about and wanting to place blame. I did a mental check for anxiety symptoms and sure enough they were all present and roaring at full velocity. Fast heart beat, breathing didn’t feel right, and overwhelming sinking feeling of dread. I told my self to “stop right now. You are not going to let your mind run away with you. You are having an anxiety attack. Let it ride out. Nothing is wrong.”

After another 5 minutes I was actually okay.I felt relieved. The sense of dread was gone and best of all - I had handled it myself. I hadn’t called anyone, I hadn’t told anyone it was happening, I just let. it. happen.

I think because I have been writing here and researching the condition and understanding how it manifests, I am able to realize how to handle it better when an intense anxiety level does happen. I think that my counsellors have helped tremendously by providing me with the tools and mechanisms I needed to fight this disorder.

But up until yesterday, I did not know if these tools were even working. Yesterday I had my first anxiety attack that I handled by myself. This is after about 6 months of learning to recognize and then stamp out an attack. When I first was figuring this whole thing out, I felt angry and frustrated. I knew, on a personal level, that I would not go on medication. I knew that if I was going to handle these attacks myself without the aid of medication it would be more difficult than it needed to be. I have it firmly in my mind that I cannot take medicine, that I do not want to be medicated for the rest of my life. This is a fear I have. But in order to reassure myself and account for another course of treatment if I need it,  I gave myself a time limit. One year. One year of really working on the anxiety, learning everything I can about it. One year on my own to see if I could handle this disorder myself. Yesterday was the first day that I took a step in the right direction that makes me believe I made the right decision for myself. Yesterday I actually realized I have some hope that I can do this by myself. I am really happy about this, and I think I will be better prepared for next time, knowing that I could handle this time.

-tiger slut

Day 2 of 21.