Friday Night Panic

For a few years Friday Nights were the worst night of the week for me. I would get in big fights with my partner at the time, my anxiety would be at its most aggressive, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep the next day.

I didn’t realize it was a pattern for a very long time. After that relationship ended, I was re examining my past actions through the lens of GAD. I was trying to see where it had come up and why. I pinpointed Fridays as a repeated point of anxiety.

For most people, Friday is fun. You are at the end of the work week and ready to relax/go nuts and enjoy some time off.

Somewhere along the line, I associated friday with other people. If I wasn’t with others, I thought something was wrong and I was lacking. I don’t know when it started, but I put pressure on myself to make a point of going out even if I didn’t feel like it. I also put pressure on my partner to spend the night with me, even if they felt going out for drinks  – which wasn’t a big deal. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was freaking out about something that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. In my head, it had to be for a reason. I didn’t know it could simply have been that I was experiencing anxiety.

There is nothing I can do about changing the past, so I looked to the present to see if this problem was still happening. At first the problem wasn’t there, I was relieved. Fridays meant no fighting because I was by myself. I could do whatever I wanted.

Then I started seeing someone new, and Fridays quickly became an issue again. But this time – I was taking ownership. I knew that GAD was coming in to play. I didn’t know what the source was, but I had to work on it. I wasn’t going to repeat relationship mistakes and get angry with my new partner for the same reasons. I realized even if I was experiencing anxiety – it came across as jealousy and being possessive. It was flat out wrong.

So – I made myself go home and calm the fuck down on Fridays. I spent time by myself and I started to pinpoint areas of discomfort.

Problem 1 - Not having a consistent home. 

 I had moved a bunch of times in the last couple of years, 4 times in the past few months. I never felt truly at home in my apartment. Even though it was mine, I had never had my own lease before or rented my own place. These were new concepts to me and while thrilling they were also unsettling. I needed to make my home a real home. I had been in flight mode for the last few months – ready to pack up and leave at a moments notice. It hadn’t sunk in that it was okay to settle in.

Solution

I settled the fuck in. I put up pictures, I reorganized shelves, I spent time trying on clothes I forgot I owned and prancing around the apartment. I did what I needed to do to feel more comfortable in this new place. I was happy to have it but I was stopping myself from appreciating it. I undid whatever mental block was happening and found ways to enjoy my new space.

Problem 2 – Reliving Past Fights

I still remembered fights. I still remembered old arguments that had long since silenced. No one was arguing out loud anymore but the effects of those fights were still riddling my head with bad thoughts. The worst part was, I realized that I was equally responsible for many of those arguments. I wasn’t always the one who had been done wrong – a lot of it was also me making arguments out of things that it wasn’t fair to be upset about.  

Solution 

 I am still working on this one. Forgiving myself. I didn’t know better at the time, I know better now, and the only actions I can effect are the ones I make now. I try very hard to make decisions based on a clear head and not to listen to my anxiety. I spend a lot of time really thinking something through - trying to put a new spin on it and seeing if maybe it really is no big deal. So far, this has helped me. I have slipped up a few times for sure – but I am learning. A lot of change has come from dealing with my anger by myself, dealing with my anxiety on my own, learning to recognize that I am working through it by myself. I use the tools I have been armed with in my counselling sessions and I try this new approach – I say to myself – “work on it by yourself – see if you can diminish it and squash it out by yourself - if you really can’t then it may be a bigger problem – only take it to someone else if you can’t figure it out on your own”

Most of the time the problem never reaches somebody else. Sometimes it can, usually because it needs to. I’ve managed to weed out 80% of those arguments that would have otherwise started. I am slowly getting better at eliminating them.

Problem 3 – I wasn’t spending quality time alone.

Solution 

I thought about the things I loved to do and one of them was drawing. I looked through the old sketchbooks that I would fill up in a matter of no time and realized I had completely dropped this hobby I really enjoyed. Each of these books was a combination of drawings, writing, and items of interest. I made an attempt to start a few, and after a couple bad starts and stops. I realized that these truly reflect my frame of mind. When I was having a very rough time the books were erratic and often have a lot of blank pages because I would drop one right away and start a fresh one. I wasn’t proud of these books like I used to be. I would go through them and rip out pages. I think this was all part of the process. I had to admit to things I didn’t want to admit to then purge them. It wasn’t easy, and I hated that I had completely lost this creative flow I used to have.  

I also realized that when I spent productive time alone it would be with these books. I would fill them with ideas and goals and tokens of good memories. For a huge chunk of time there was no book because I was very unhappy. Now I had to get back to creating one. 

I spent a lot of time drawing and picking up old interests and it resulted in a very nice sketchbook. I was very proud of it and I feel more myself now than I have in a very long time. The more time passes, the better I feel. I have this hobby back and it feels right.

I’m learning not to associate certain days and times with certain things. I try to tell myself the only thing that matters is the present, that I make the most of this moment. I am also working on forgiving myself the past. I try to reiterate to myself that I can think about the future but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. And that most of all – I don’t know what to expect. I have been wrong about my negative thoughts so far.

I just have to continue to have faith in my own ability to deal with these matters. And I think I need to keep telling myself it will get better – it only has been.

Batcycle!

Todays weird.

So I woke up this morning and had one of the worst panic attacks. Actually, I call them all the worst because they all suck balls and feel terrible. I have this freak out and then I calm myself down and felt fucking awesome when it was over.

Then I got on the subway train and was listening to music thinking about how upset I am all the time. And how it’s futile to go over this shit and how all my hard work is going to nothing because there is no change.

Then I got off the subway and I was listening to a song and heard this really weird noise. It was like an angry lion was trying to throw up and roar super loud at the same time. I heard it over my headphones. I look up and there’s three fucking guys in the subway all playing the fucking accordion and sounding so fucking terrible –  everyone was so business going about their morning going by them acting like the three fucking guys playing three fucking accordians terribly was totally the norm. And then I realized something. This was fucking hilarious. And if I had been caught up in my own thoughts I would have completely missed it.

Then I realized something else. I spend majority of my time in my own head and miss a lot of stuff. So I’m going to stop doing that.

I met one of my friends the other day and she gave me a tarot card lesson. Then that night I had a dream that was like an action adventure flick. In the dream, this totally hopeless situation was occurring and this kid that I was trying to protect was getting kidnapped. And I was off in the distance and all I had to try to catch up to the kidnappers was a motorcycle. I saw the motorcycle, and I distinctly remember in my dream having a moment of “I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle” but then in the dream I said fuck it and hopped on – I expected it to crash but it didn’t and I rode the motorcycle on this crazy rooftop/stair railing chase – apparently the motorcycle could fly too – maybe it was batmans motorcycle? the batcycle! – anyways it was pretty much the best thing I ever dreamt and it was such a wild adventure. I totally caught up to the bad guys, beat them into confessing where the kid was, and saved his life. 

I was totally bad ass in the dream. I was doing something super cool. I wasn’t afraid. It was exhilarating.  

I have started drawing again big time, I am actually getting my skill back and it was way faster than I thought it would be. I still don’t know how to shade properly but I never did so whatever.

Basically, I am back to achieving things. I am actually in a good mood. For the first time. In a fucking year. I mean I’ve been in good moods – but usually they have some underlying crap and I’m never actually in that good mood. It’s like a good mood despite being seriously upset deep down. A good upset mood. I think that over the last little while something is changing.

Especially because this morning I came to work and someone who is very important to me told me they were worried about me. That I was drinking too much. I thought about this differently than usual. Normally I would become very angry with myself or freak out or whatever dramatic bullshit. But today I thought, there is some merit to this. She is right, I have been drinking a lot. despite all the things I have been improving, drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. So – my solution is not to drink so much.

It was that fucking easy. I didn’t flip out, I didn’t cry and I didn’t think everybody hates me. Okay I thought that last one but only briefly.

I didn’t go extreme and think – I’m a fucking alcoholic – But I also didn’t ignore it and say hey nothings wrong what the fuck. I know why I like to drink, it’s because I don’t feel any of the effects of my anxiety – a few drinks in I don’t feel it and I don’t have to work to not feel it. I don’t have to feel awkward, I just feel like everything is okay. I rarely feel like everything is okay.

It’s not a solution though. Because I end up drinking too much and being a bitch. Also, the anxiety usually surfaces at some point, so I end up having anxiety and being drunk. Not a good combination really.

So. it’s an issue. I will cut back. It won’t be easy but I will take it one step at a time - Like I have with any other problem I have dealt with. I think I am gaining more confidence in my ability to handle myself.

And I feel really really good about that.

Something is changing for sure. Things are improving. I think all this work I have been doing is paying off. But I also don’t want to continue to get caught up in my head. It’s time to breathe – a lot – take some time and start allowing myself to enjoy things. I want to enjoy being a young woman, I want to enjoy having friendships, I want to enjoy my relationship, I want to enjoy and appreciate all these things. I think I am ready. I feel really good right now. And I want to have more good dreams because that fucking batcycle was so fucking cool.

So yes todays weird – because I feel good. And while that statement is kind of sad, at least today I can enjoy the weirdness. And maybe one day – if I’m lucky - a weird day like today will be the norm.

Minimizing the Damage

This is a link to a website that describes anxiety really well. Today I am reading these lines specifically:

“Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. You go about your activities filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even when there is little or nothing to provoke them.”

Last night I wanted to call in sick to work. I did not want to leave the house or deal with anything. I thought I would have a bad time and be a fucking mess. I was assuming what would happen.

I had gotten into a  fight the previous night and I was still shaken. My mind was/is spinning with the worse possibilities. I thought/think I am repeating old mistakes – this is the worst possibility for me. I am trying to work through it and not let the anxiety that is going into overload right now take control of my actions and what I do or what I think about.

I am trying to minimize the damage. I feel anxiety and I think I know how long I will feel it for and how severe it will be.

So today I got up and thought “Fuck today is going to be miserable.” I made plans with a friend and I thought, “I’m going to get there and I will be awkward and weird.” Those are my automatic thoughts. I hate them. They make me feel like a shitty storm cloud of depression. I didn’t know this until today – but this is called “Self Talk.” Here’s a link that explains it on a blog by a girl – I think her name is Aimee. The blog is called: http://anxiousnomore.blogspot.com/.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne lists a quick explanation of what Self Talk is and how it works:

• “It is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (“Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)”

I am trying to rework my thought patterns, and one thing is to change this self talk. I implemented my new routine where I “minimize the damage.” I said to myself, in my head, “Dude, you only don’t feel good right now. Once you get to work and start talking to people you will feel better. Also, you will most likely have an awesome time with your new friend. You don’t know what will happen yet. I don’t have to have a bad day, I can have a bad ten minutes. It can be a bad hour. But it doesn’t have to be a bad day.”

 

Edmund J. Bourne further says, “Cultivating the habit of countering [negative self talk] is one of the most significant steps you can take in dealing with all kinds of anxiety as well as panic attacks.”

Another thing I tend to do is focus on the bad part/negative thing. If I have a fight and then things are okay, I will still have very strong feelings from the fight and not be able to let those go – mainly because there are  a lot of issues that I have not let go from my past. I tack the series of “thoughts, memories and associations” from the old on to the new. The new fight is with a totally different person and in a different place – but it’s a new fight on steroids because I am colouring it with an old situation.

When this happens I am at a loss of what to do. It is one of the biggest challenges I am facing right now – not comparing everything that happens now with everything that happened before.

I try to reassure myself. One thing I have decided not to do anymore is look to others for reassurance. I really want to see these processes through on my own, but in a healthy way. I have started pulling up things and reading about anxiety. If I read about it, it reasserts it in my head that the bad feeling is being exaggerated by GAD. This helps me remind myself that I am not in control of the bad feeling.

I also do not want to stay in a bad situation because I am reliant on someone else. I think my greatest fear is that I will not be able to deal with my anxiety on my own. I then remind myself that I am dealing with it on my own every minute of everyday. I tell myself that I am not repeating the past because I choose to be with who I am with. I have stayed in a relationship before because I was too afraid to be on my own, and I simply can’t do it again. I have taken the measures to become independent and not have to stay because there is not alternative, it is my choice this time. I try to reinforce this in my head when I feel things are turning a bad way. Even when things are fine, I have to dissolve the GAD by calming it down with these reminders.

I also try to think about some things that are positive. I pull the focus away from the nagging/worrying thoughts – thoughts associated with things I can’t control - and think about things I am looking forward to – things I have worked on on my own and for myself.

And how cool is this – Aimee keeps what she calls a scripture journal! I do this as well. I tape things in and write whatever and draw pictures. It is a very rewarding thing – like a mini time capsule from the days it took to fill it up. I thought it was double cool when I met my friends grandson – he is only 7 and he keeps one too. And he has hover Cars in it. I rightly guessed that the hover cars were kept airborne with Sonic waves.