So I woke up this morning and had one of the worst panic attacks. Actually, I call them all the worst because they all suck balls and feel terrible. I have this freak out and then I calm myself down and felt fucking awesome when it was over.
Then I got on the subway train and was listening to music thinking about how upset I am all the time. And how it’s futile to go over this shit and how all my hard work is going to nothing because there is no change.
Then I got off the subway and I was listening to a song and heard this really weird noise. It was like an angry lion was trying to throw up and roar super loud at the same time. I heard it over my headphones. I look up and there’s three fucking guys in the subway all playing the fucking accordion and sounding so fucking terrible – everyone was so business going about their morning going by them acting like the three fucking guys playing three fucking accordians terribly was totally the norm. And then I realized something. This was fucking hilarious. And if I had been caught up in my own thoughts I would have completely missed it.
Then I realized something else. I spend majority of my time in my own head and miss a lot of stuff. So I’m going to stop doing that.
I met one of my friends the other day and she gave me a tarot card lesson. Then that night I had a dream that was like an action adventure flick. In the dream, this totally hopeless situation was occurring and this kid that I was trying to protect was getting kidnapped. And I was off in the distance and all I had to try to catch up to the kidnappers was a motorcycle. I saw the motorcycle, and I distinctly remember in my dream having a moment of “I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle” but then in the dream I said fuck it and hopped on – I expected it to crash but it didn’t and I rode the motorcycle on this crazy rooftop/stair railing chase – apparently the motorcycle could fly too – maybe it was batmans motorcycle? the batcycle! – anyways it was pretty much the best thing I ever dreamt and it was such a wild adventure. I totally caught up to the bad guys, beat them into confessing where the kid was, and saved his life.
I was totally bad ass in the dream. I was doing something super cool. I wasn’t afraid. It was exhilarating.
I have started drawing again big time, I am actually getting my skill back and it was way faster than I thought it would be. I still don’t know how to shade properly but I never did so whatever.
Basically, I am back to achieving things. I am actually in a good mood. For the first time. In a fucking year. I mean I’ve been in good moods – but usually they have some underlying crap and I’m never actually in that good mood. It’s like a good mood despite being seriously upset deep down. A good upset mood. I think that over the last little while something is changing.
Especially because this morning I came to work and someone who is very important to me told me they were worried about me. That I was drinking too much. I thought about this differently than usual. Normally I would become very angry with myself or freak out or whatever dramatic bullshit. But today I thought, there is some merit to this. She is right, I have been drinking a lot. despite all the things I have been improving, drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. So – my solution is not to drink so much.
It was that fucking easy. I didn’t flip out, I didn’t cry and I didn’t think everybody hates me. Okay I thought that last one but only briefly.
I didn’t go extreme and think – I’m a fucking alcoholic – But I also didn’t ignore it and say hey nothings wrong what the fuck. I know why I like to drink, it’s because I don’t feel any of the effects of my anxiety – a few drinks in I don’t feel it and I don’t have to work to not feel it. I don’t have to feel awkward, I just feel like everything is okay. I rarely feel like everything is okay.
It’s not a solution though. Because I end up drinking too much and being a bitch. Also, the anxiety usually surfaces at some point, so I end up having anxiety and being drunk. Not a good combination really.
So. it’s an issue. I will cut back. It won’t be easy but I will take it one step at a time - Like I have with any other problem I have dealt with. I think I am gaining more confidence in my ability to handle myself.
And I feel really really good about that.
Something is changing for sure. Things are improving. I think all this work I have been doing is paying off. But I also don’t want to continue to get caught up in my head. It’s time to breathe – a lot – take some time and start allowing myself to enjoy things. I want to enjoy being a young woman, I want to enjoy having friendships, I want to enjoy my relationship, I want to enjoy and appreciate all these things. I think I am ready. I feel really good right now. And I want to have more good dreams because that fucking batcycle was so fucking cool.
So yes todays weird – because I feel good. And while that statement is kind of sad, at least today I can enjoy the weirdness. And maybe one day – if I’m lucky - a weird day like today will be the norm.