Friday Night Panic

For a few years Friday Nights were the worst night of the week for me. I would get in big fights with my partner at the time, my anxiety would be at its most aggressive, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep the next day.

I didn’t realize it was a pattern for a very long time. After that relationship ended, I was re examining my past actions through the lens of GAD. I was trying to see where it had come up and why. I pinpointed Fridays as a repeated point of anxiety.

For most people, Friday is fun. You are at the end of the work week and ready to relax/go nuts and enjoy some time off.

Somewhere along the line, I associated friday with other people. If I wasn’t with others, I thought something was wrong and I was lacking. I don’t know when it started, but I put pressure on myself to make a point of going out even if I didn’t feel like it. I also put pressure on my partner to spend the night with me, even if they felt going out for drinks  – which wasn’t a big deal. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was freaking out about something that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. In my head, it had to be for a reason. I didn’t know it could simply have been that I was experiencing anxiety.

There is nothing I can do about changing the past, so I looked to the present to see if this problem was still happening. At first the problem wasn’t there, I was relieved. Fridays meant no fighting because I was by myself. I could do whatever I wanted.

Then I started seeing someone new, and Fridays quickly became an issue again. But this time – I was taking ownership. I knew that GAD was coming in to play. I didn’t know what the source was, but I had to work on it. I wasn’t going to repeat relationship mistakes and get angry with my new partner for the same reasons. I realized even if I was experiencing anxiety – it came across as jealousy and being possessive. It was flat out wrong.

So – I made myself go home and calm the fuck down on Fridays. I spent time by myself and I started to pinpoint areas of discomfort.

Problem 1 - Not having a consistent home. 

 I had moved a bunch of times in the last couple of years, 4 times in the past few months. I never felt truly at home in my apartment. Even though it was mine, I had never had my own lease before or rented my own place. These were new concepts to me and while thrilling they were also unsettling. I needed to make my home a real home. I had been in flight mode for the last few months – ready to pack up and leave at a moments notice. It hadn’t sunk in that it was okay to settle in.

Solution

I settled the fuck in. I put up pictures, I reorganized shelves, I spent time trying on clothes I forgot I owned and prancing around the apartment. I did what I needed to do to feel more comfortable in this new place. I was happy to have it but I was stopping myself from appreciating it. I undid whatever mental block was happening and found ways to enjoy my new space.

Problem 2 – Reliving Past Fights

I still remembered fights. I still remembered old arguments that had long since silenced. No one was arguing out loud anymore but the effects of those fights were still riddling my head with bad thoughts. The worst part was, I realized that I was equally responsible for many of those arguments. I wasn’t always the one who had been done wrong – a lot of it was also me making arguments out of things that it wasn’t fair to be upset about.  

Solution 

 I am still working on this one. Forgiving myself. I didn’t know better at the time, I know better now, and the only actions I can effect are the ones I make now. I try very hard to make decisions based on a clear head and not to listen to my anxiety. I spend a lot of time really thinking something through - trying to put a new spin on it and seeing if maybe it really is no big deal. So far, this has helped me. I have slipped up a few times for sure – but I am learning. A lot of change has come from dealing with my anger by myself, dealing with my anxiety on my own, learning to recognize that I am working through it by myself. I use the tools I have been armed with in my counselling sessions and I try this new approach – I say to myself – “work on it by yourself – see if you can diminish it and squash it out by yourself - if you really can’t then it may be a bigger problem – only take it to someone else if you can’t figure it out on your own”

Most of the time the problem never reaches somebody else. Sometimes it can, usually because it needs to. I’ve managed to weed out 80% of those arguments that would have otherwise started. I am slowly getting better at eliminating them.

Problem 3 – I wasn’t spending quality time alone.

Solution 

I thought about the things I loved to do and one of them was drawing. I looked through the old sketchbooks that I would fill up in a matter of no time and realized I had completely dropped this hobby I really enjoyed. Each of these books was a combination of drawings, writing, and items of interest. I made an attempt to start a few, and after a couple bad starts and stops. I realized that these truly reflect my frame of mind. When I was having a very rough time the books were erratic and often have a lot of blank pages because I would drop one right away and start a fresh one. I wasn’t proud of these books like I used to be. I would go through them and rip out pages. I think this was all part of the process. I had to admit to things I didn’t want to admit to then purge them. It wasn’t easy, and I hated that I had completely lost this creative flow I used to have.  

I also realized that when I spent productive time alone it would be with these books. I would fill them with ideas and goals and tokens of good memories. For a huge chunk of time there was no book because I was very unhappy. Now I had to get back to creating one. 

I spent a lot of time drawing and picking up old interests and it resulted in a very nice sketchbook. I was very proud of it and I feel more myself now than I have in a very long time. The more time passes, the better I feel. I have this hobby back and it feels right.

I’m learning not to associate certain days and times with certain things. I try to tell myself the only thing that matters is the present, that I make the most of this moment. I am also working on forgiving myself the past. I try to reiterate to myself that I can think about the future but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. And that most of all – I don’t know what to expect. I have been wrong about my negative thoughts so far.

I just have to continue to have faith in my own ability to deal with these matters. And I think I need to keep telling myself it will get better – it only has been.

Minimizing the Damage

This is a link to a website that describes anxiety really well. Today I am reading these lines specifically:

“Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. You go about your activities filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even when there is little or nothing to provoke them.”

Last night I wanted to call in sick to work. I did not want to leave the house or deal with anything. I thought I would have a bad time and be a fucking mess. I was assuming what would happen.

I had gotten into a  fight the previous night and I was still shaken. My mind was/is spinning with the worse possibilities. I thought/think I am repeating old mistakes – this is the worst possibility for me. I am trying to work through it and not let the anxiety that is going into overload right now take control of my actions and what I do or what I think about.

I am trying to minimize the damage. I feel anxiety and I think I know how long I will feel it for and how severe it will be.

So today I got up and thought “Fuck today is going to be miserable.” I made plans with a friend and I thought, “I’m going to get there and I will be awkward and weird.” Those are my automatic thoughts. I hate them. They make me feel like a shitty storm cloud of depression. I didn’t know this until today – but this is called “Self Talk.” Here’s a link that explains it on a blog by a girl – I think her name is Aimee. The blog is called: http://anxiousnomore.blogspot.com/.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne lists a quick explanation of what Self Talk is and how it works:

• “It is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (“Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)”

I am trying to rework my thought patterns, and one thing is to change this self talk. I implemented my new routine where I “minimize the damage.” I said to myself, in my head, “Dude, you only don’t feel good right now. Once you get to work and start talking to people you will feel better. Also, you will most likely have an awesome time with your new friend. You don’t know what will happen yet. I don’t have to have a bad day, I can have a bad ten minutes. It can be a bad hour. But it doesn’t have to be a bad day.”

 

Edmund J. Bourne further says, “Cultivating the habit of countering [negative self talk] is one of the most significant steps you can take in dealing with all kinds of anxiety as well as panic attacks.”

Another thing I tend to do is focus on the bad part/negative thing. If I have a fight and then things are okay, I will still have very strong feelings from the fight and not be able to let those go – mainly because there are  a lot of issues that I have not let go from my past. I tack the series of “thoughts, memories and associations” from the old on to the new. The new fight is with a totally different person and in a different place – but it’s a new fight on steroids because I am colouring it with an old situation.

When this happens I am at a loss of what to do. It is one of the biggest challenges I am facing right now – not comparing everything that happens now with everything that happened before.

I try to reassure myself. One thing I have decided not to do anymore is look to others for reassurance. I really want to see these processes through on my own, but in a healthy way. I have started pulling up things and reading about anxiety. If I read about it, it reasserts it in my head that the bad feeling is being exaggerated by GAD. This helps me remind myself that I am not in control of the bad feeling.

I also do not want to stay in a bad situation because I am reliant on someone else. I think my greatest fear is that I will not be able to deal with my anxiety on my own. I then remind myself that I am dealing with it on my own every minute of everyday. I tell myself that I am not repeating the past because I choose to be with who I am with. I have stayed in a relationship before because I was too afraid to be on my own, and I simply can’t do it again. I have taken the measures to become independent and not have to stay because there is not alternative, it is my choice this time. I try to reinforce this in my head when I feel things are turning a bad way. Even when things are fine, I have to dissolve the GAD by calming it down with these reminders.

I also try to think about some things that are positive. I pull the focus away from the nagging/worrying thoughts – thoughts associated with things I can’t control - and think about things I am looking forward to – things I have worked on on my own and for myself.

And how cool is this – Aimee keeps what she calls a scripture journal! I do this as well. I tape things in and write whatever and draw pictures. It is a very rewarding thing – like a mini time capsule from the days it took to fill it up. I thought it was double cool when I met my friends grandson – he is only 7 and he keeps one too. And he has hover Cars in it. I rightly guessed that the hover cars were kept airborne with Sonic waves.  

 

Internet Boyfriends

Now look at this, me being a very bad girl and breaking my habit the third day in!

Bad tigerslut!

To make up for this, I will write about INTERNET BOYFRIENDS.

Really? Internet Boyfriends? YES INTERNET BOYFRIENDS

During the beginning of University I led a somewhat lonely existence. I would commute to school – which would take hours – go to my classes – more hours – sleep in the library on my three hour class breaks – take another class –  then come home.

Time with my friends was usually Friday or Saturday night. It would be difficult to meet any other day during the week. I spent majority of my evening – hours again – working on assignments for the next day. Any other spare time during the week was spent at work.

Somewhere during this time the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin” came out. It was a man who had made it to 40 without having sex. Once it gets out at work, his co workers – who become his friends – help him find the one. 

Why the big delay? It just didn’t happen. Due to awkwardness and mishaps – circumstances prevented the main character from swiping his Vcard. I loved the movie.

The movie was an entertaining comedy but it hit a little too close to home. Everyone I knew had already had sex. I was 20, (which I didn’t think was that old!) but it surprised anyone that found out that I hadn’t. The response usually was, “Really?!!? Oh My God!!” I did not think that it was THAT strange. I wasn’t scouring the streets, looking for a warm body to play toesies with and continuously striking out. I just hadn’t clicked with anyone yet. Nobody made me feel the overwhelming urge to HAVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE SEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. And I am certain a little bit of anxiety played a part as well.  

There wasn’t a lot of time to date. If I did meet someone, it would end rather quickly. It was a repeating cycle of loneliness. I would be with someone - we would start to become close – a feeling of unpreparedness would set in and I would delay having sex. I would believe I was ready then want to stop and feel like I wasn’t. The word tease was thrown around like a frisbee on a hot summer day. I didn’t understand what was happening and soon became fed up and frustrated. I decided to forget trying to date and focused on school.

This meant A LOT of isolation. I was hanging out at home, exploring the internet. I had enough time to write and research an animal book, as well as get a better understanding of all the musical talent that was out there in the world. Most people discover music as they grow up, I had a small interest in it that EXPLODED during the first couple years of University. The main thing I did was listen to as many different artists as possible and type type type on my computer.

In momentum with this, time was a wasting. I wasn’t gathering any kind of understanding of relationships by hanging out at home. I was not meeting new people. I was fueling my naivety when it came to creating a relationship. I didn’t realize any of this because I was only doing what felt safer.

Luckily, I made a friend on the internet. Let’s call him Dan.

Dan was the same age as myself and lived in a small town that was about four hours away. He spent his time working at Home Hardware and drinking. Those were the only two things he did. Dan was going through a rough patch. He had been in school and then dropped out. As a result, he also spent a lot of time hanging out at home on his computer type type typing away.

As I listened to music/did homework/looked at animal pictures, Dan would make snacks/probably play video games/drink and we would converse through typing to each other on MSN. It began with short conversations everyday, that soon turned into 3 hour chats late into the night. We would make fun of the fact we spent so much time typing to each other when we hadn’t met.

The internet has a different set of rules. You can ask someone you meet online whatever you want with little to no risk. It began slowly, but I started to talk to Dan about some issues I was having. I discussed the shortness of relationships and Dan was brutally honest but considerate is his explanation of why the people I would date would react the way they did. He told me:  

“You tell them you’re a virgin and they get that - But they’re also into it because they see it as a challenge - They’ll start dating you -hoping you will want to/they can seduce you into having sex -Because you’re older, odds are they have had sex before – they expect it sooner than you do and it becomes more difficult for them to wait - Because they are frustrated they are calling you a tease - Because you don’t eventually fuck them - you have to dump them when they start behaving in a way you can’t handle. It’s nobodys fault. Even if you tell them your situation from the get go, it won’t mean they don’t want it.”

This saved me a lot of grief. It seems like a fairly straight forward explanation but when you have ZERO understanding of how the other people will feel, sometimes you need someone to tell you in the plainest way possible. Dan became my guide. He helped explain why people behaved the way they did. He honestly answered a tonne of sex questions, which I could ask him without shame or scaredy cat ness because I hadn’t met him. I started to trust him. Conversations would never enter the creepy zone, he would never say anything inappropriate that would make me uncomfortable. He was a good friend, who was a guy, who I had never met. He could ask me anything, I could ask him anything, it was an excellent relationship. I had the Boy-relationship-understanding-friend without the Boy-wanting-to-engage-in-penis-jabbingness-friend. 

Dan was the ‘safety net’ I needed at the time. We were able to honestly talk about a lot of things – especially sex – and I was able to ask a lot of questions I did not want to ask my girlfriends or my MaMa. This helped prepare me for a lifetime of difficult situations. Many of my friends had to learn the same things different ways and sometimes it was a lot more difficult for them.

This was a fairly well working set up until the one year mark. At this point, we were scheduling our conversations. We would set time aside specifically to talk/we knew each others schedules. Topics like people we were dating/seeing became off limits. We would flirt. We would not so jokinglyjoke about meeting.

A few months later, we were planning to meet. We both wanted to do it safely in case one of us was not who we thought. I would bring a friend, we would meet in the closest city and we would pick a public place. We would see what would happen and we were both very excited.

When I finally did tell one friend about this, she teased me that I had an “Internet Boyfriend.” Then she grew very very concerned when I said I wanted to meet him. She kept pushing the fact that I did not know for sure that Dan was actually Dan.

A couple months before Dan and I were planning to meet I met my first long term partner. I told Dan, he was upset, and it felt like breaking up with someone. Which was double strange because it was someone I had never met in person. We did not end up meeting and stopped out internet talkfests shortly after.

So – is an internet relationship legit?

 

I have no idea. I don’t think  it’s as valuable as the real thing. A lot of people meet via something on the net and end up being an awesome match when they take it to the next level and meet in person. On the other hand, a lot of people meet on the net and it turns in to a very dangerous situation.

 

I wouldn’t recommend meeting someone from online in person unless you do it safely and I definitely would not suggest a young person EVER take this chance. I think a part of me felt I would never go through with actually meeting Dan because of all the horror stories I had heard. I still don’t know what would have happened, would he have been who he said or some creeper? I don’t know! But I always like to believe he would have been exactly the same Dan the brat I imagined he was.

 

-tigerslut

 

Day 3 of 21

Figuring It Out

What was it like before I knew I had a disorder?

For majority of my life I did not know I had GAD. I went about my life, made my decisions, and lived day to day believing everything I felt was how the average person felt/feels.

After a major life change, I had moved back to Toronto. For the first while things were fine, I was having lots of fun. I had a new look – I was losing a lot of weight I had gained – I was going out with my friends a lot more than I used to and spending time revisiting my favorite things – listening to music, writing, drawing. I was also very – VERY – excited to start dating. I felt like a bratty girl who had been locked up for a long time that was finally unleashed on the world. Look out everybody – run for cover – she’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

All the excitement was new and wonderful, but there was something underlying it. I was having really REALLY bizarre thoughts about my past life. For some reason, I had it in my head that I was pregnant.

S0 let me explain. Logically there was no way I was pregnant. I had a yearly exam shortly before the last relationship ending. A few months had gone by and I had regular periods. I hadn’t had sex for a long time, it just was not possible. But no matter what I told myself I had this all gripping fear that I was pregnant.

I was coming up with solutions to this problem I believed I had. I was terrified of any connection to the past, I was terrified of any change to the new life I was currently enjoying, I was terrified that I couldn’t stop obsessing and was wondering if I was actually just losing it, if I hadn’t recovered from my last relationship ending. I did not know what was happening and I was absolutely scared.

I had bought home pregnancy tests, all were negative. I had a test done at the local Clinic, negative. With every test I thought this feeling of dread would lift but nothing worked. Nothing was reassuring me, I still felt like something was happening that I had no control over.

I called the clinic again, and explained that I was just not able to let it go. I needed a blood test to confirm I was not pregnant. I explained the past relationship ending. I was very lucky that the nurse I spoke to was compassionate and told me yes, they would make an exception and give me a blood test if it meant I was reassured. I came in, had the test done, and waited for the results to show up. I was CERTAIN it would come back positive. I was CERTAIN I would have to make a very difficult and horrible decision. Even if it came back negative I was CERTAIN the lab had mixed up my sample with someone elses.

All of these thoughts were actual thoughts that were constantly cycling through my head. It went something like this

You’re pregnant – NO I’m not, I can’t be I had my period – It doesn’t matter your pregnant Everything is going to change, you will have to call him and talk to him and explain to him because there’s nobody else you would be pregnant from – I’m not pregnant it’s been months there’s no chance I can be, I’ve had all the tests done – what if the tests were wrong? You’re pregnant, what are you going to do? you have to deal with it don’t tell anyone they wont believe you you’re pregnant

I was arguing with myself. My logical side was saying, it just can’t be and here are the reasons why – but something was fighting this reasoning and scaring me big time. This was happening all day, from the moment I woke up until I tried to go back to sleep at night. This is how scared I was all the time. I would function, I had a job and I would go to work, I would have regular conversations with people – I would laugh make jokes – and the entire time I believed that I was pregnant and I was completely fucked and would have to make some really difficult decisions very soon – I was struggling with this and I just did not talk about it.

I called the clinic again and they told me that my blood test was negative. I felt slightly relived and I tried to ignore the what if thoughts that were now bubbling up – what if they mixed up the tests – what if they are lying and did not process the test – what if they are just humoring me – this was cut off when I realized the nurse was still talking on the phone. She said

“I understand you are dealing with something difficult, maybe you can use one of our other resources here. We offer counseling and I think it could benefit you.”

I was polite and said thank you but dismissed the idea right away. I had been to counseling before, it had not helped at all. I didn’t see the point in trying to see a counselor now that I knew for the most part that the crisis had been averted.

It took two more obsessive attacks like this happening over the next couple of months for me to realize that I needed help. I had anxiety my entire life, but for whatever reason now – at this new stage and new beginning – it was not going to go ignored. I made my first counseling appointment because I was willing to try anything at this point.

It was grueling. I cried in almost every appointment. I talked about parts of my life I never wanted to, and usually needed the rest of the day to recover from the emotional exhaustion of an appointment. The counselor I started with was amazing and saw me through much of the process. She saw something was up and called in a psychiatrist who diagnosed me based on two months of meetings. I started researching GAD and found that my symptoms matched up EXACTLY with what was described. I was, in a way, relieved, because at least this meant I could do something about it, I knew what to look for and I knew what I was dealing with. I wasn’t actually losing my mind, I was suffering from a disorder that had become very severe in the face of all these changes in my life.

A major change I made, and I think this is because of the counselor that was helping me worked so well, was that I was completely open. I discussed the extent to which I worried about things, I exposed the way I was thinking about things and my thought process, I laid it all out on the table. This was scary because I was fully exposing my inner most ideas/perceptions/thoughts – it made me VERY VULNERABLE. It also made the result I needed, I received a proper diagnosis because I was honest. It was very difficult and it only worked because I was in trustworthy hands.

The best part was realizing I DID NOT have to feel this way. It has taken/is taking a lot of reconstruction on a daily basis to let this idea sink in, but I am working on it.

When I reflect back on how things were before I was diagnosed and started reading about my disorder, I remember how purely panicked I would become. I remember how scared I was. I remember how embarrassed I was that I was so emotional on an ongoing basis and seemed to have no control over it. One comfort that exists now is that I know what is happening. I can take ownership of it and I have some power over it.

I was very lucky in my situation that I could find someone who helped me right off the bat. If you are also looking, One clinic I recommend if you are living in Toronto in the Yonge and Eglinton Area is the Anne Johnston Health Station. My experience has only been with sex positive counselors who are there to really help from an unbiased place. If that’s not where you live, they can probably recommend someone if you give them a call. They can also provide you with other forms of therapy – group therapy is an example – if you don’t want a one on one.

-tigerslut

Day 3 of 21