Friday Night Panic

For a few years Friday Nights were the worst night of the week for me. I would get in big fights with my partner at the time, my anxiety would be at its most aggressive, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep the next day.

I didn’t realize it was a pattern for a very long time. After that relationship ended, I was re examining my past actions through the lens of GAD. I was trying to see where it had come up and why. I pinpointed Fridays as a repeated point of anxiety.

For most people, Friday is fun. You are at the end of the work week and ready to relax/go nuts and enjoy some time off.

Somewhere along the line, I associated friday with other people. If I wasn’t with others, I thought something was wrong and I was lacking. I don’t know when it started, but I put pressure on myself to make a point of going out even if I didn’t feel like it. I also put pressure on my partner to spend the night with me, even if they felt going out for drinks  – which wasn’t a big deal. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was freaking out about something that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. In my head, it had to be for a reason. I didn’t know it could simply have been that I was experiencing anxiety.

There is nothing I can do about changing the past, so I looked to the present to see if this problem was still happening. At first the problem wasn’t there, I was relieved. Fridays meant no fighting because I was by myself. I could do whatever I wanted.

Then I started seeing someone new, and Fridays quickly became an issue again. But this time – I was taking ownership. I knew that GAD was coming in to play. I didn’t know what the source was, but I had to work on it. I wasn’t going to repeat relationship mistakes and get angry with my new partner for the same reasons. I realized even if I was experiencing anxiety – it came across as jealousy and being possessive. It was flat out wrong.

So – I made myself go home and calm the fuck down on Fridays. I spent time by myself and I started to pinpoint areas of discomfort.

Problem 1 - Not having a consistent home. 

 I had moved a bunch of times in the last couple of years, 4 times in the past few months. I never felt truly at home in my apartment. Even though it was mine, I had never had my own lease before or rented my own place. These were new concepts to me and while thrilling they were also unsettling. I needed to make my home a real home. I had been in flight mode for the last few months – ready to pack up and leave at a moments notice. It hadn’t sunk in that it was okay to settle in.

Solution

I settled the fuck in. I put up pictures, I reorganized shelves, I spent time trying on clothes I forgot I owned and prancing around the apartment. I did what I needed to do to feel more comfortable in this new place. I was happy to have it but I was stopping myself from appreciating it. I undid whatever mental block was happening and found ways to enjoy my new space.

Problem 2 – Reliving Past Fights

I still remembered fights. I still remembered old arguments that had long since silenced. No one was arguing out loud anymore but the effects of those fights were still riddling my head with bad thoughts. The worst part was, I realized that I was equally responsible for many of those arguments. I wasn’t always the one who had been done wrong – a lot of it was also me making arguments out of things that it wasn’t fair to be upset about.  

Solution 

 I am still working on this one. Forgiving myself. I didn’t know better at the time, I know better now, and the only actions I can effect are the ones I make now. I try very hard to make decisions based on a clear head and not to listen to my anxiety. I spend a lot of time really thinking something through - trying to put a new spin on it and seeing if maybe it really is no big deal. So far, this has helped me. I have slipped up a few times for sure – but I am learning. A lot of change has come from dealing with my anger by myself, dealing with my anxiety on my own, learning to recognize that I am working through it by myself. I use the tools I have been armed with in my counselling sessions and I try this new approach – I say to myself – “work on it by yourself – see if you can diminish it and squash it out by yourself - if you really can’t then it may be a bigger problem – only take it to someone else if you can’t figure it out on your own”

Most of the time the problem never reaches somebody else. Sometimes it can, usually because it needs to. I’ve managed to weed out 80% of those arguments that would have otherwise started. I am slowly getting better at eliminating them.

Problem 3 – I wasn’t spending quality time alone.

Solution 

I thought about the things I loved to do and one of them was drawing. I looked through the old sketchbooks that I would fill up in a matter of no time and realized I had completely dropped this hobby I really enjoyed. Each of these books was a combination of drawings, writing, and items of interest. I made an attempt to start a few, and after a couple bad starts and stops. I realized that these truly reflect my frame of mind. When I was having a very rough time the books were erratic and often have a lot of blank pages because I would drop one right away and start a fresh one. I wasn’t proud of these books like I used to be. I would go through them and rip out pages. I think this was all part of the process. I had to admit to things I didn’t want to admit to then purge them. It wasn’t easy, and I hated that I had completely lost this creative flow I used to have.  

I also realized that when I spent productive time alone it would be with these books. I would fill them with ideas and goals and tokens of good memories. For a huge chunk of time there was no book because I was very unhappy. Now I had to get back to creating one. 

I spent a lot of time drawing and picking up old interests and it resulted in a very nice sketchbook. I was very proud of it and I feel more myself now than I have in a very long time. The more time passes, the better I feel. I have this hobby back and it feels right.

I’m learning not to associate certain days and times with certain things. I try to tell myself the only thing that matters is the present, that I make the most of this moment. I am also working on forgiving myself the past. I try to reiterate to myself that I can think about the future but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. And that most of all – I don’t know what to expect. I have been wrong about my negative thoughts so far.

I just have to continue to have faith in my own ability to deal with these matters. And I think I need to keep telling myself it will get better – it only has been.

Batcycle!

Todays weird.

So I woke up this morning and had one of the worst panic attacks. Actually, I call them all the worst because they all suck balls and feel terrible. I have this freak out and then I calm myself down and felt fucking awesome when it was over.

Then I got on the subway train and was listening to music thinking about how upset I am all the time. And how it’s futile to go over this shit and how all my hard work is going to nothing because there is no change.

Then I got off the subway and I was listening to a song and heard this really weird noise. It was like an angry lion was trying to throw up and roar super loud at the same time. I heard it over my headphones. I look up and there’s three fucking guys in the subway all playing the fucking accordion and sounding so fucking terrible –  everyone was so business going about their morning going by them acting like the three fucking guys playing three fucking accordians terribly was totally the norm. And then I realized something. This was fucking hilarious. And if I had been caught up in my own thoughts I would have completely missed it.

Then I realized something else. I spend majority of my time in my own head and miss a lot of stuff. So I’m going to stop doing that.

I met one of my friends the other day and she gave me a tarot card lesson. Then that night I had a dream that was like an action adventure flick. In the dream, this totally hopeless situation was occurring and this kid that I was trying to protect was getting kidnapped. And I was off in the distance and all I had to try to catch up to the kidnappers was a motorcycle. I saw the motorcycle, and I distinctly remember in my dream having a moment of “I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle” but then in the dream I said fuck it and hopped on – I expected it to crash but it didn’t and I rode the motorcycle on this crazy rooftop/stair railing chase – apparently the motorcycle could fly too – maybe it was batmans motorcycle? the batcycle! – anyways it was pretty much the best thing I ever dreamt and it was such a wild adventure. I totally caught up to the bad guys, beat them into confessing where the kid was, and saved his life. 

I was totally bad ass in the dream. I was doing something super cool. I wasn’t afraid. It was exhilarating.  

I have started drawing again big time, I am actually getting my skill back and it was way faster than I thought it would be. I still don’t know how to shade properly but I never did so whatever.

Basically, I am back to achieving things. I am actually in a good mood. For the first time. In a fucking year. I mean I’ve been in good moods – but usually they have some underlying crap and I’m never actually in that good mood. It’s like a good mood despite being seriously upset deep down. A good upset mood. I think that over the last little while something is changing.

Especially because this morning I came to work and someone who is very important to me told me they were worried about me. That I was drinking too much. I thought about this differently than usual. Normally I would become very angry with myself or freak out or whatever dramatic bullshit. But today I thought, there is some merit to this. She is right, I have been drinking a lot. despite all the things I have been improving, drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. So – my solution is not to drink so much.

It was that fucking easy. I didn’t flip out, I didn’t cry and I didn’t think everybody hates me. Okay I thought that last one but only briefly.

I didn’t go extreme and think – I’m a fucking alcoholic – But I also didn’t ignore it and say hey nothings wrong what the fuck. I know why I like to drink, it’s because I don’t feel any of the effects of my anxiety – a few drinks in I don’t feel it and I don’t have to work to not feel it. I don’t have to feel awkward, I just feel like everything is okay. I rarely feel like everything is okay.

It’s not a solution though. Because I end up drinking too much and being a bitch. Also, the anxiety usually surfaces at some point, so I end up having anxiety and being drunk. Not a good combination really.

So. it’s an issue. I will cut back. It won’t be easy but I will take it one step at a time - Like I have with any other problem I have dealt with. I think I am gaining more confidence in my ability to handle myself.

And I feel really really good about that.

Something is changing for sure. Things are improving. I think all this work I have been doing is paying off. But I also don’t want to continue to get caught up in my head. It’s time to breathe – a lot – take some time and start allowing myself to enjoy things. I want to enjoy being a young woman, I want to enjoy having friendships, I want to enjoy my relationship, I want to enjoy and appreciate all these things. I think I am ready. I feel really good right now. And I want to have more good dreams because that fucking batcycle was so fucking cool.

So yes todays weird – because I feel good. And while that statement is kind of sad, at least today I can enjoy the weirdness. And maybe one day – if I’m lucky - a weird day like today will be the norm.

Minimizing the Damage

This is a link to a website that describes anxiety really well. Today I am reading these lines specifically:

“Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. You go about your activities filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even when there is little or nothing to provoke them.”

Last night I wanted to call in sick to work. I did not want to leave the house or deal with anything. I thought I would have a bad time and be a fucking mess. I was assuming what would happen.

I had gotten into a  fight the previous night and I was still shaken. My mind was/is spinning with the worse possibilities. I thought/think I am repeating old mistakes – this is the worst possibility for me. I am trying to work through it and not let the anxiety that is going into overload right now take control of my actions and what I do or what I think about.

I am trying to minimize the damage. I feel anxiety and I think I know how long I will feel it for and how severe it will be.

So today I got up and thought “Fuck today is going to be miserable.” I made plans with a friend and I thought, “I’m going to get there and I will be awkward and weird.” Those are my automatic thoughts. I hate them. They make me feel like a shitty storm cloud of depression. I didn’t know this until today – but this is called “Self Talk.” Here’s a link that explains it on a blog by a girl – I think her name is Aimee. The blog is called: http://anxiousnomore.blogspot.com/.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne lists a quick explanation of what Self Talk is and how it works:

• “It is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (“Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)”

I am trying to rework my thought patterns, and one thing is to change this self talk. I implemented my new routine where I “minimize the damage.” I said to myself, in my head, “Dude, you only don’t feel good right now. Once you get to work and start talking to people you will feel better. Also, you will most likely have an awesome time with your new friend. You don’t know what will happen yet. I don’t have to have a bad day, I can have a bad ten minutes. It can be a bad hour. But it doesn’t have to be a bad day.”

 

Edmund J. Bourne further says, “Cultivating the habit of countering [negative self talk] is one of the most significant steps you can take in dealing with all kinds of anxiety as well as panic attacks.”

Another thing I tend to do is focus on the bad part/negative thing. If I have a fight and then things are okay, I will still have very strong feelings from the fight and not be able to let those go – mainly because there are  a lot of issues that I have not let go from my past. I tack the series of “thoughts, memories and associations” from the old on to the new. The new fight is with a totally different person and in a different place – but it’s a new fight on steroids because I am colouring it with an old situation.

When this happens I am at a loss of what to do. It is one of the biggest challenges I am facing right now – not comparing everything that happens now with everything that happened before.

I try to reassure myself. One thing I have decided not to do anymore is look to others for reassurance. I really want to see these processes through on my own, but in a healthy way. I have started pulling up things and reading about anxiety. If I read about it, it reasserts it in my head that the bad feeling is being exaggerated by GAD. This helps me remind myself that I am not in control of the bad feeling.

I also do not want to stay in a bad situation because I am reliant on someone else. I think my greatest fear is that I will not be able to deal with my anxiety on my own. I then remind myself that I am dealing with it on my own every minute of everyday. I tell myself that I am not repeating the past because I choose to be with who I am with. I have stayed in a relationship before because I was too afraid to be on my own, and I simply can’t do it again. I have taken the measures to become independent and not have to stay because there is not alternative, it is my choice this time. I try to reinforce this in my head when I feel things are turning a bad way. Even when things are fine, I have to dissolve the GAD by calming it down with these reminders.

I also try to think about some things that are positive. I pull the focus away from the nagging/worrying thoughts – thoughts associated with things I can’t control - and think about things I am looking forward to – things I have worked on on my own and for myself.

And how cool is this – Aimee keeps what she calls a scripture journal! I do this as well. I tape things in and write whatever and draw pictures. It is a very rewarding thing – like a mini time capsule from the days it took to fill it up. I thought it was double cool when I met my friends grandson – he is only 7 and he keeps one too. And he has hover Cars in it. I rightly guessed that the hover cars were kept airborne with Sonic waves.  

 

The Rage Factor – Part Two – PMS

One of the most difficult times to control GAD symptoms is when your hormones are surging during PMS week. PMS is hard enough as it is, with all the physical symptoms that can make women uncomfortable – PMS is notorious for causing bad mood swings and crankiness. This combined with the symptoms of anxiety can create a terrible cauldron of pain for myself and others during PMS week.

On the one hand, there are tonnes of ways to prevent these symptoms from getting the best of you. Recognizing an anxiety attack, taking Vitamins to account for any deficiencies aggravating symptoms, eating healthy and exercising all work to help regulate GAD symptoms and build up a stronger defense against attacks. These work for PMS too!

On the other, there are times that I am susceptible to attacks and symptoms big time and it is harder to control. Examples of these are if I am tired, have too much caffeine and especially if it is PMS week. ESPECIALLY PMS WEEK.

My anxiety symptoms were very aggressive during PMS week and a lot more difficult to control. My worst attacks had begun to happen during this time of the month. My counsellor said to stay positive when I first noticed the problem. She placed the emphasis on not expecting it to be a bad week – that this month could be different – that I was learning to handle it. She was right, it definitely came down from the level it was and started to calm down.

A few days ago a simple argument about a change jar spiraled out of control. A few days later my period started and I figured out why this fight had escalated on my part.  But I also realized a few other things:

When I’m happy - super happy – I can let my guard down. If it is a time when GAD is more aggressive a fight can come on in a snap. I went from joking around and being very excited to starting an argument – it took a second for the change to happen. I was in full on argument mode and it took the other person saying something for me to realize how nasty I was being. This is a new development – I didn’t realize how QUICKLY an attack or mood change can happen. NO time to check for symptoms, no time to stop it.

This was my first slip up in a few weeks and it hit me hard, but I remembered what I told myself – I will make mistakes and mess up once in a while. The remedy is to take the steps to own it, apologize then move forward. I am trying to break the habit of guilting myself because there is no point of beating myself up every time there is an argument that is happening for the wrong reasons.

As fast as this mood change/GAD Freakout came on, I was able to calm down pretty quickly. The aftermath is happening at a much quicker pace. I rehashed what happened in my head and asked myself – DID I overreact? I tell myself it’s okay if I did because I’ll make mistakes. If I feel confused or any upsetness is still lingering I check for GAD symptoms, if they are there I know what happened and I try to free myself from feeling bad about it.

There is improvement. The more I am reading and observing, the more I can tell that there is a HUGE change from how I dealt with these same negative emotions this time last year. I can recognize anxiety when it happens and I am also learning about the nature of it. It can happen very quickly and aggressively. Sometimes the attacks catch me off guard.  This, however, is a big difference from before. The majority of the GAD symptoms that slip through and affect how I interact with others are the ones that come on out of nowhere. Only the really quick ones are slipping through the cracks, as long as I keep working on this I will be able to seal those cracks up.

Taking ownership is a big part of it, but not punishing myself for it is just as important. The more gently I treat myself the better I can do damage control after an attack and the better I can allow myself to feel for the improvements that are happening.

Sometimes after an attack there is some lingering weirdness. When this happens, I realize I need to write it out.

My old way of dealing with lingering weirdness was to talk to someone. Not a professional, but a friend or family member or boyfriend. Usually it would be with the person I had the conflict with in the first place. Something I’ve realized is that this doesn’t do anything. It only brings up the argument again, the other person can’t reassure me because they aren’t feeling the GAD symptoms – they can’t fix the feeling for me no matter how sweet they are. On top of this, it can easily spiral out of control a second time because the way I am portraying myself is as if I am still upset. When I take ownership of my over reaction it has to be on two levels to work - taking ownership by apologizing for my treatment of the other person involved – and taking ownership of making myself feel better. I have found it does not work to rely on others for this reassurance, I have to be strong enough to make myself feel better.

Writing is the therapy that best helps me. The nature of writing is also good because it’s a solo activity, it’s a time out from what happened, and it gives you the time to decompress the situation. In this case, I grabbed my book and wrote what happened, wrote the ugly thoughts I was having – I’ll never get better/I’ll always be this way/Why can’t I assert more self control? These are the thoughts that happen automatically – these ones are the thoughts that surface because I have conditioned my brain to think this way over a lifetime of having GAD.

To balance this scale –  I write an equal amount of improvement I am making to counter the bad thoughts. This is the new process. I am going to have ugly/negative thoughts because that’s the habit that has formed - the point is to purge them and reset that bad thinking process. I am truly trying to emphasize to myself that I am getting better/I am gaining more control/I am feeling better. I try to tell myself – look at how this has changed – look at how that has changed. It is a hard and long process. Each time I tell myself these things they become easier to accept.

It has just been a constant process of countering bad stuff with good stuff and dealing with the symptoms on my own. It feels like an ordeal now, and when I read this post I see that it really is a long and exasperating process. I am trying to stay strong - mainly because I don’t like the alternative. I don’t want to ruin relationships and I don’t want to be a shitty person to be with. I’ve had a taste of how amazing things can be if I work on my problem – I’ve been to the point where I feel no GAD symptoms without actively trying to prevent them and it is pure bliss. If I can get to that point with my efforts now – I know it will only get better if I continue them.

-tigerslut

Day 4 of 21

Internet Boyfriends

Now look at this, me being a very bad girl and breaking my habit the third day in!

Bad tigerslut!

To make up for this, I will write about INTERNET BOYFRIENDS.

Really? Internet Boyfriends? YES INTERNET BOYFRIENDS

During the beginning of University I led a somewhat lonely existence. I would commute to school – which would take hours – go to my classes – more hours – sleep in the library on my three hour class breaks – take another class –  then come home.

Time with my friends was usually Friday or Saturday night. It would be difficult to meet any other day during the week. I spent majority of my evening – hours again – working on assignments for the next day. Any other spare time during the week was spent at work.

Somewhere during this time the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin” came out. It was a man who had made it to 40 without having sex. Once it gets out at work, his co workers – who become his friends – help him find the one. 

Why the big delay? It just didn’t happen. Due to awkwardness and mishaps – circumstances prevented the main character from swiping his Vcard. I loved the movie.

The movie was an entertaining comedy but it hit a little too close to home. Everyone I knew had already had sex. I was 20, (which I didn’t think was that old!) but it surprised anyone that found out that I hadn’t. The response usually was, “Really?!!? Oh My God!!” I did not think that it was THAT strange. I wasn’t scouring the streets, looking for a warm body to play toesies with and continuously striking out. I just hadn’t clicked with anyone yet. Nobody made me feel the overwhelming urge to HAVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE SEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. And I am certain a little bit of anxiety played a part as well.  

There wasn’t a lot of time to date. If I did meet someone, it would end rather quickly. It was a repeating cycle of loneliness. I would be with someone - we would start to become close – a feeling of unpreparedness would set in and I would delay having sex. I would believe I was ready then want to stop and feel like I wasn’t. The word tease was thrown around like a frisbee on a hot summer day. I didn’t understand what was happening and soon became fed up and frustrated. I decided to forget trying to date and focused on school.

This meant A LOT of isolation. I was hanging out at home, exploring the internet. I had enough time to write and research an animal book, as well as get a better understanding of all the musical talent that was out there in the world. Most people discover music as they grow up, I had a small interest in it that EXPLODED during the first couple years of University. The main thing I did was listen to as many different artists as possible and type type type on my computer.

In momentum with this, time was a wasting. I wasn’t gathering any kind of understanding of relationships by hanging out at home. I was not meeting new people. I was fueling my naivety when it came to creating a relationship. I didn’t realize any of this because I was only doing what felt safer.

Luckily, I made a friend on the internet. Let’s call him Dan.

Dan was the same age as myself and lived in a small town that was about four hours away. He spent his time working at Home Hardware and drinking. Those were the only two things he did. Dan was going through a rough patch. He had been in school and then dropped out. As a result, he also spent a lot of time hanging out at home on his computer type type typing away.

As I listened to music/did homework/looked at animal pictures, Dan would make snacks/probably play video games/drink and we would converse through typing to each other on MSN. It began with short conversations everyday, that soon turned into 3 hour chats late into the night. We would make fun of the fact we spent so much time typing to each other when we hadn’t met.

The internet has a different set of rules. You can ask someone you meet online whatever you want with little to no risk. It began slowly, but I started to talk to Dan about some issues I was having. I discussed the shortness of relationships and Dan was brutally honest but considerate is his explanation of why the people I would date would react the way they did. He told me:  

“You tell them you’re a virgin and they get that - But they’re also into it because they see it as a challenge - They’ll start dating you -hoping you will want to/they can seduce you into having sex -Because you’re older, odds are they have had sex before – they expect it sooner than you do and it becomes more difficult for them to wait - Because they are frustrated they are calling you a tease - Because you don’t eventually fuck them - you have to dump them when they start behaving in a way you can’t handle. It’s nobodys fault. Even if you tell them your situation from the get go, it won’t mean they don’t want it.”

This saved me a lot of grief. It seems like a fairly straight forward explanation but when you have ZERO understanding of how the other people will feel, sometimes you need someone to tell you in the plainest way possible. Dan became my guide. He helped explain why people behaved the way they did. He honestly answered a tonne of sex questions, which I could ask him without shame or scaredy cat ness because I hadn’t met him. I started to trust him. Conversations would never enter the creepy zone, he would never say anything inappropriate that would make me uncomfortable. He was a good friend, who was a guy, who I had never met. He could ask me anything, I could ask him anything, it was an excellent relationship. I had the Boy-relationship-understanding-friend without the Boy-wanting-to-engage-in-penis-jabbingness-friend. 

Dan was the ‘safety net’ I needed at the time. We were able to honestly talk about a lot of things – especially sex – and I was able to ask a lot of questions I did not want to ask my girlfriends or my MaMa. This helped prepare me for a lifetime of difficult situations. Many of my friends had to learn the same things different ways and sometimes it was a lot more difficult for them.

This was a fairly well working set up until the one year mark. At this point, we were scheduling our conversations. We would set time aside specifically to talk/we knew each others schedules. Topics like people we were dating/seeing became off limits. We would flirt. We would not so jokinglyjoke about meeting.

A few months later, we were planning to meet. We both wanted to do it safely in case one of us was not who we thought. I would bring a friend, we would meet in the closest city and we would pick a public place. We would see what would happen and we were both very excited.

When I finally did tell one friend about this, she teased me that I had an “Internet Boyfriend.” Then she grew very very concerned when I said I wanted to meet him. She kept pushing the fact that I did not know for sure that Dan was actually Dan.

A couple months before Dan and I were planning to meet I met my first long term partner. I told Dan, he was upset, and it felt like breaking up with someone. Which was double strange because it was someone I had never met in person. We did not end up meeting and stopped out internet talkfests shortly after.

So – is an internet relationship legit?

 

I have no idea. I don’t think  it’s as valuable as the real thing. A lot of people meet via something on the net and end up being an awesome match when they take it to the next level and meet in person. On the other hand, a lot of people meet on the net and it turns in to a very dangerous situation.

 

I wouldn’t recommend meeting someone from online in person unless you do it safely and I definitely would not suggest a young person EVER take this chance. I think a part of me felt I would never go through with actually meeting Dan because of all the horror stories I had heard. I still don’t know what would have happened, would he have been who he said or some creeper? I don’t know! But I always like to believe he would have been exactly the same Dan the brat I imagined he was.

 

-tigerslut

 

Day 3 of 21

The Rage Factor

The Rage Factor

One of the most difficult things to do is controlling what I like to call my Rage Factor.

GAD sprouts up in different ways during different situations. For me, GAD makes it so that it is a lot easier for me to give into the flux of emotions that is whirring around inside me. If something sets off that makes me feel sad, I will become really sad – like Eeyore of Winnie The Pooh. On the other end of the scale, if my anxiety connects with something to make me angry – I will rage out The Hulk Style in a matter of minutes.

How does it work?

Imagine that everyone in the world was a gasoline tank.

Imagine someone you know that has it together really really well. They remain composed most of the time, and seem very ‘business.’ They are probably a really good poker player. Their gasoline tank had no cracks, no leaks, no weaknesses. This person would be a pretty solid Gasoline tank.

Now, take someone you know that has problems – they have to work a bit harder to make it through the day. They can lose their temper sometimes, they have to be treated more carefully, people tend to walk on eggshells around them if they are having a ‘mood’. This person would be the Gasoline tank that is leaking, it has vulnerabilities, it is not solid.

If these two Gasoline tanks were hanging around a Bonfire – which one would be the most likeliest to explode? 

The way I imagine myself everyday is as the second gasoline tank. There is a chance either of the tanks could blow up depending on the way the wind blows that day. But there is a much greater chance for that last Gasoline tank to shoot into the heavens because it has the cards stacked against it from the get go.

Whatever emotion I am feeling, if my anxiety scale tips a bit – I really really give in to that negative emotion. It is very difficult for me to hold back and not lose it. The dam is always strained, and it’s my all day, every minute, every second job to make sure it doesn’t break and cause a flood.

Suffice it to say, this can be exhausting/frustrating/terrifying and draining.

If you had met me maybe a year ago, my Gasoline Tank wasn’t doing too well. It was overflowing with fuel, next to a Bonfire, with a Flame thrower pointed at it and a pyromaniac with a pocket full of matches dancing around it. I was ready to explode all the time. It has taken a lot to realize and admit there was a reason this was happening.

One of the biggest kicks to the faces was understanding how horrible I have treated people in my life. I let it get very bad and almost lost some very important relationships because I was not understanding that I was the common denominator. It was me causing conflict, pushing people away, constantly testing the strength of the relationships for no reason.

Yes, I have GAD. But it’s not an excuse. Yes, it makes my life harder on a daily basis, but it doesn’t mean I can blow up all the time. Having GAD does make things more challenging. But I have to meet that challenge. If I want to be the type of person that I hope to, it will take a lot of changes, a lot of work, and a lot of determination.

How do I do this? What method do I employ to make sure I don’t snap/crackle/pop?

I Think of Lost Girl

There is a show called Lost girl where the main character, played by the super gorgeous and hot Anna Silk, is a Succubus. She has a constant hunger to drain peoples chis.

It helps to think of my rage Rage factor as Lost Girls hunger for Chi. If that Succubus really let loose, she could feed on everyone around her. She could cause a lot of damage by giving in. But instead, she chooses to fuck fuck fuck people and get some delicious chi that way. She takes something that could be totally debilitating and puts that energy into something else to meet her needs.

I am currently learning to do the same thing with my rage. Whenever I get these really strong big emotions that are fueled by GAD, I channel that energy into something else.

Typing here in this blog always helps, drawing, writing, and running are other ways to deal as well. There are millions of creative outlets and I use use use them whenever I feel bad. This takes something that could paralyze me, turns it around and makes it productive. Once I have started my activity, whatever it is, I can focus that bad energy, and by the time I am half way in to whatever I am doing, I am feeling better and the Rage is draining away.

This is how I cope right now. I hope to one day be disciplined enough that I can calm those rage factors mentally. For now though, this works

What about when the dam breaks?

No matter what we try we don’t have the complete discipline we wish. I still have emotions crop up that do get out of control. What happens? If there’s an argument, if it turns out I do some Damage, I have learned there is only one thing to do. Take ownership, apologize and move the fuck on.

Take Ownership

Be Honest. I will admit I fucked up. I will explain why I did succumb to this argument. I will say that I am working on it, it could happen again, but I will work hard so that it doesn’t.

This means, I know the dam broke and that I let it. I rebuild it. I make it stronger, better and help it last longer. I do whatever I need to do to burn off that excess energy so the dam isn’t as strained in the first place. I make a bigger effort to keep things balanced. I work harder.  

Apologize

I say sorry. And I mean it.

Move the Fuck On

One thing GAD will do is making you linger on something. You will hold it in your heart and feel guilt over it and think and re think it and spend all of your mental energy reviewing and analyzing it. One thing I have told myself is to just STOP. Stop the what If’s, stop the reviewing. If I have that feeling of dread in my chest, the kind I only feel when it’s anxiety, I know I can’t control it and I accept it and let it pass. I Move On – The Most Important Step.